Wednesday, September 14, 2011

HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE




INTRODUCTION

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing”, but does that actually reflect in our marriages today? Marriage is an institution from the Almighty God and it is supposed to be exciting, loving, understanding and above all pleasurable. Just after saying I do in front of the priest, loved ones, and relations at the altar, it looks so beautiful and life seems like paradise without considering whether the proposal came from the man or the woman. Since it is a human institution which involves two different people from different backgrounds, disagreement may set in. As this natural, the very best of marriages have conflicts and disagreements. In 1996, the Accra Metropolitan Assembly(A.M.A.) recorded six hundred and thirty three ( 633 ) dissolved customary marriages out of a thousand even hundred and fourteen (1,714 ) marriages registered. It is against this backdrop that I want to highlight on ways to deal with conflicts in marriages.

But before we take a look at how to solve some of these problems, let us first dive into what marriage is as an institution.

The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia define marriage as that life long and exclusive state in which a man and a woman is wholly committed to live with each other in sexual relationship under conditions normally approved and witnessed to by their social group society.

Marriage is not the joining of two worlds but an abandoning of two worlds in other that a new one might be formed. Marriage is the closest bond between two people.

In the contemporary cycle, the Oxford Dictionary of the Advance Learners’ English defines marriage as a state in which a man and a woman are formally united for the purpose of living together (usually in other to procreate children) and with certain legal rights towards each other.

John Hagee in his book What Every Man Want From A Woman says that: ‘Marriage is a covenant, which means it is the death of two wills and the birth of one.’ Marriage is the art of two incompatible people learning to live compatible life.

Marriage exposes and reveal who we really are, because when two different characters meet, then there is friction in the intersection of the union.

In business, partners seals their relationship with a contract agreement, enforce by law. In marriage two people enter into covenant with God being the witness.

It is one of God’s greatest schools of learning- it can be a place where the husband and the wife are refined.

Marriage is the pledge of mutual fidelity. It is a partnership of total subordination. A Christian marriage is similar to a solvent, a freeing up of a man and woman to be themselves and become married is the refining process that God will use to have us develop into a man or woman He wants us to become.

CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGES

Conflict came from the Latin word “Confligere” which means strike together. When two or more thoughts, perception, attitude and behaviour strike each other, for example, then there is a conflict. Such conflicts can be experienced through intrapersonal or interpersonal. Conflict is intrapersonal when an individual expresses real or imagined compatibility among needs, goals, or roles. Conflict becomes interpersonal when there is perceived divergence of interest among individuals, group or organization. Interpersonal or social conflicts have been defined in the following manner.

According to Morton Deutsch, Conflicts are power struggles over differences: differing information or beliefs, differing interests, desires, or values. There are also struggles over differing abilities to secure needed resources.

In his book, Conflict Management, Jay Hall define conflict as “essentially the circumstance- both emotional and substantive conflicts which can be brought about by the difference between parties which, for whatever reasons, forced contact with one another.” There are two type of conflict. These are constructive conflict and destructive conflict.

When there is a misunderstanding between a married couple and they are able to resolve it, then the conflict is constructive conflict. This kind of conflict does not destroy but help to deepen the relationship.

The other type of conflict is called the destructive conflict. This kind of conflict destroys relationships. When a husband and the wife has a disagreement they fail to resolve it but rather end up in divorce, then that conflict is destructive. There are many reasons why married couples have conflicts. Time and space will not permit me to cover all that but I will talk bout some conflicts in marriages.

A newly wedded couple was going through difficulty trying to reach a decision regarding the purchase of an item. All the effort of the man to convince the wife to agree to his proposal failed. The next Sunday the husband went to see the pastor in their church. This was the conversation between the man and the pastor.” You don’t look cheerful today Mr. Johnson” the pastor said.” Pastor I think I didn’t pray enough to God before I married Selina” says Mr. Johnson. The pastor then asked ‘Why are you making such a statement after the prayer warriors spent quality time with you and your wife in prayer?’ Mr. Johnson now told the pastor that, since they got married, they have never reached a decision concerning any issue without quarrels.

Nevertheless, conflict in marriages is not a sin. The presence of a problems, tension and argument does not necessarily mean trouble for a marriage.I want to state that, if there is a married couple without conflict it means they are not communicating.

Listed below are the monthly and yearly summary of marriage and dissolution from the year 1990 to 1998 and from 2000to the end of August 2007 s recorded in the Accra Metropolitan Assembly’s Register Of Marriages:

1990

Marriage 1538

Dissolution 804

1991

Marriage 2126

Dissolution 972

1992

Marriage 1450

Dissolution 860

1993

Marriage 2100

Dissolution 1320

1994

Marriage 1120

Dissolution 876

1995

Marriage 2764

Dissolution 853

1996

Marriage 2419

Dissolution 639

1997

Marriage 2576

Dissolution 613

1998

Marriage 3189

Dissolution

1999

Marriage

Dissolution

2000

Marriage 2433

Dissolution 521

2001

Marriage 2,182

Dissolution 751

2002

Marriage 2,311

Dissolution 342

2003

Marriage 2,669

Dissolution 399

2004

Marriage 2,669

Dissolution 392

2005

Marriage 2,199

Dissolution 484

2006

Marriage 1,714

Dissolution 633

2007

Total Marriage 1035

Total Dissolution 425

Before we take a look at ways to deal with and resolve conflicts in marriages, let us look at a few examples of some recent media reports that degenerate into bloody conflict.

On the 16th of August, it was reported in the ‘Ghanaian Times’ that Saul Kofi Campbell also known as Kofi Carpenter, a coffin maker, went to the house of his girlfriend, Sabina Amoh, 32, who decided to end their two year relationship and woke her from her sleep under the pretext of discussing and important issue with her. Sabina, a seamstress, was found dead in a pool blood at a refuse dump

On August 29th, ‘The Daily Graphic’ also reported of a marital quarrel between a woman and her husband. The woman Ekua Tawiah set herself and her family ablaze, killing the husband and their seven year old son.

On Saturday, August 30, 2008, ‘The Ghanaian Times’ published that a man had allegedly killed his wife because he was suspicious of the calls she has been getting on her mobil phone. Kofi Mensah a palm wine tapper allegedly cut the throat of his wife, Janet Adu, 35, with a cutlass on their farmland and then hanged himself. This tragic incident happened at Praso, near Tanodumasi in the Atwima-Mponua District of the Ashanti Region. The District Police Commander told the Times that, the couple had been married for seven years. He also said they had been having misunderstandings following Mensah’s suspicion that Janet, his wife had been having extra-marital affairs.

Not too long go we heard the shocking news of the break up of Bishop Duncan Williams with hi wife he has been married to for many years. There was news again about his proposed marriage to a wealthy African –American. I am sure if Bishop had managed whatever conflict was there well, he would have prevented this disgrace.

We also read about Esther Smith, a renowned gospel musician and her husband Rev. Ahinkan Bonsu. Esther Smith, we were told accused the husband of casting a spell on her and having an affair with their maid. The husband, Rev. Ahinkan also accused the wife, Esther of flirting with one, Fiifi at Tema habour before and after their marriage. The story went on to tell us that Esther told her husband that he is not the father of their first two children. Now their marriage is over.

One can go enumerating horrific examples of conflicts in marriages and other relationships that have ended up in the police station or in the law court.

A marriage counselor, Rev. Dei Awuku, said two issue need to be considered when discussing conflicts in marriage. He said there are some husbands who for years stomach a whole lot of problems they encounter in their marriage, because they think their peer will tease them when they talk about their marital problems with them. When they can no longer contain the situation, there is an explosion. He stressed the need to make counseling service available to “would be” as well as married couples, who are both in religious marriages and under customary marriages to enhance understanding and peaceful resolution of conflict in marriages.

Mr. Gifty Afenyi Dadzie, the National Prayer Director of the Women Aglow International, said, the rampant conflict in some marriages indicate that “the agape love as mentioned in the Bible is missing in relationships”. She said most of us keep records of the wrongs in our relationships and we don’t forgive one another. She advised partners to use dialogue when there are problems.

“Youth, family Adults” an on line journal has some tips on dealing with the situation.

About Money

It advice spouse to discuss their value and feeling about money so that each partner can understand the other, to work out a budget and set priorities and goals for the future

About In-laws

It points out that in-laws are problematic in early years and can trigger conflicts within the entire family. It advises spouse to deal with in-law problems by sharing their feeling and discussing what kind of relationship they what want with their in-laws.

About sex

It states that this is an emotional issue and most spouse are afraid to be hurt or rejected by their partners so they avoid discussing their feelings about sexual issues. It advices that couple should resolve conflicts about sexual matters by communicating directly, specifically and loving about their needs.

Another online journal, “The Marriage Garden” also listed ways to deal with conflicts in marriage as follows:

Learn to live with things that cannot change

You may wish your partner was different in many ways. Some of those things simply cannot change. Learn to accept that. Be glad that your partner can bring qualities that you do not have.

Do not dwell on your complaints

Sometime we feel irritated about things in our relationships, we list our complaints and get angry about them. By the time we bring out the problem we my have killed ourselves into being mad. Rather than big complaints, we can make request along the way.

Rather than argue bout details, find common ground

In any disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don’t waste time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help each other.

Hold regular couple councils

Few couples regularly talks about relationship concerns, most of time, what begins as a small issue becomes larger problems that threaten to destroy relationships. Couple can use council to nip problems in the bud.

Plan a specific time and place each week when you and your spouse can talk alone together for at least 30 – 60minutes without distraction or interruptions. Use the meeting to take stock of how the relationship is going and to discuss problems.

When people feel attacked and angry, they do not think as clearly as when they are calm. We can do things to help ourselves and our partners feel calmer. We can start discussion without attacks: “I would like your idea on n issue”. We can look for solutions rather than accusation: “Do you think it would help if...?” If we are feeling too frustrated, we may need to reschedule our discussions. “I need some time think about what you re saying. Could we talk about this tomorrow?”

Couple should agree to limit criticism; they must make sure criticism remain a small aspect of their marriage and never a central part. When there is problem instead of criticizing your partner, limit it and criticism should come constructively.

Agree to attach problems and not each other. A huge part of healthy communication involves never doing or saying anything that might injure the other. No hitting below the belt. Your marriage must be a safe place where you never experience harm. While you won’t always agree you must always treat each other with respect. This must be a basic premise of every interaction.

Develop skills that enhance positively into your marriage. You must always remember how and why you fall in love with your mate. Set aside time to have fun, laugh and experience joy.

It is a fact that simple skills when practiced regularly can help to stabilize your marriage. Share whatever you like and appreciate about your partner. Learn to share all your hopes and dreams. Discuss any change in plans and situations.

Never let a misunderstanding turn into an argument. Clear up the air as soon as possible. If there is something you don’t like be open and tell your partner how you want it done instead of criticizing.

CONCLUSION

Even marriages that seem unhappy often become very satisfying over time if both partners prevent anger from taking over. In fact differences in marriages can help us grow and a help us build a better relationship.

BY:

DESMOND LAMPTEY
UNIIQ 95.7FM
GHANA BROADCASTING CORPORATION
(GBC)



REFERENCES

1) Making Your Marriage Enjoyable: A Biblical And Contemporary Perspective

Bright Michael Adofoh

Print Publication

2) The International Standard Bible Encyclopaedia

(Nashville: Word Publishing International,1986, Page 26

3) Seven Secrets to Sanity for Stressed Women

Van Pelt, Nancy L. Get Organised

Revier and Herald Publishers Association 1998

4) The Nature of Conflict and Conflict Resolution

S. Worebel and S.Lundgren

5) In Community Mediation: A handbook for Practitioners and Researchers

K.G. Duffy, J.W Grosch and P.V. Olczak.

6) Conflict: Productive and Destructive

Morton Deutsch.

7) Conflict Management Survey

Jay Hall

8) Wives wish Their Husbands Knew About Women

James Dobson

Wheaton III Tydale Press, Page 133.

9) What Every Man Want From A Woman

John Hagee

Dallas Word Publishing, Page 54.

10) The Ghanaian Times

11) The Daily Graphic

www.arfamilies.org/family-life.

www.marriagemissions.com/before-conflict-ariases

www.marriage.about.com/conflictandanger

www.foreverfamilies.net

www.utahmarriage.org/html/suggestions

www.ezinearticles.com

www.crosswalk.com

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  14. How I Got My Ex Husband Back. Am so excited, All Thanks goes to Dr Prince i was married to my husband, and we were living fine and happy. it come to an extend that my husband that use to love and care for me, doesn't have my time again, until i fined at that he was having an affair with another woman, I tried to stop him all my effort was in-vain suddenly he divorce me and went for the woman. he live me with two of our kids, I cried all day, I was in pains, sorrow and looking for help. I read a comment on how Dr Prince helped a lady to brought her husband back, after 2yrs , He helped people with his Magic spell love and reuniting spell. so I decided to contact him and explain my problems to him, he did a love spell that made my husband to come back to me and never think of the woman. this man is God sent to restore heart break and reunite relationship. may the lord be your strength and continue to use you to save people relationship and any problems contact him for help on princemagicspell@yahoo.com You can also contact him through his WhatsApp +19492293867. Contact him now for love spell to bring back your ex lover he is the best spell caster and he is the best solution to all relationship problems…

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  15. I am regina by name, am here to testify the good things that Dr osita bello have done in my family, i was thinking how to get my husband back so one day i came across a frend on facebook she told me how she meet a man called DR osita bello, so she sent me to him so immediately i contact him and i told him my problems he promeis me that my husband is going to call me, i want to tell evryone about DR osita his a great spell caster please everyone if you have a problems in your marriag and you konw you can not take care of it or anyother woman wanet to take your husband away from you and you need a help please messages him on email ositabello8@gmail.come or whatsapp him with this number+2347065079297


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  16. I am so Happy to be writing this article in here, i am here to explore blogs forum about the wonderful and most safe cure for HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS . I was positive to the deadly Virus called HERPES and i lost hope completely because i was rejected even by my closet friends. i searched online to know and inquire about cure for HERPES and i saw Dr.OYAKHIRE testimony online on how he was cured so many persons from Herpes Disease. so i decided to contact the great herbalist because i know that nature has the power to heal everything. i contacted him to know how he can help me and he told me never to worry that he will help me with the natural herbs from God! after 2 days of contacting him, he told me that the cure has been ready and he sent it to me via FEDEX or DHL and it got to me after 4 days! i used the medicine as he instructed me (MORNING and EVENING) and i was cured! its really like a dream but i'm so happy! that's the reason i decided to also add more comment of Him so that more people can be saved just like me! and if you need his help,contact his Email: (droyakhireherbalhome@gmail.com) you can contact him on whatsapp +2347084100646 He also cure the below listed sickness; (1) HERPES, (2) DIABETES, (3) HIV&AIDS, (4) URINARY TRACT INFECTION, (5) HEPATITIS B, (6) IMPOTENCE, (7) BARENESS/INFERTILITY (8) DIARRHEA (9) ASTHMA...

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  17. Hello Everyone,Do you want your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex wife, ex husband or your lover back Dr Ikhile is the right spell caster that can help you instantly. My ex is back to me through the help of Dr Ikhile. I was having serious problems with my Ex and it resulted in breaking up with me. Everything became worse because she started going to bars and strip clubs often with her friends, getting drunk and passing out. She always threatened me on the phone whenever I called her due to all the bad advice that her friends were giving her. I love her and we were together for 3 years before the sudden change. I was so sad and frustrated until one day I was browsing the Internet and I saw a Lady sharing a testimony about a powerful spell caster who helped her brought her boyfriend back to her with a spell, so I decided to give it a try too and i contacted the spell caster and i explained all my problems to him and Dr Ikhile told me that I should not worry, that he would help me resolve my problems that my girlfriend will come back to me within the next 24 hours. He told me that the spell is not harmful to me nor is it harmful to my lover. I decided to try and I did all he told me to do immediately and he made the spell for me. 24 days later, my girlfriend came back to me and she apologized, saying she was sorry for what she had cost me and now we are happy and living together happily. Two months later, I realized she was pregnant. I’m really happy now because I do not know what to say anymore. If you want your ex back or if you are out there reading this and having the same problem with a relationship or having difficulty getting pregnant husband or boyfriend or problem of any kind Dr Ikhile on his email at:
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  18. To anyone out there who thinks love spells don't work, I’m here to tell you that Lord Zakuza love spell is the best and most powerful. I am a wealthy man who has lots of assets and possessions but I have difficulty with women. Whenever I try to settle down with any, we end up breaking up and I had no idea of why I was going through such an experience in my relationship. It was so worrying that I couldn’t be myself anymore and I started searching for help everywhere even at my place of work. I was going through my work activities online and I came across a testimony of a lady called ( Febe Anouk ) regarding how Lord Zakuza helped her to restore her relationship with his love spell, I had to give it a try and I visited Lord Zakuza and I told him everything I was going through. Lord Zakuza consoled and promised to help me out with my situation by preparing a love spell for me. I followed the instructions given by him to me and within 48 hours, my Ex lover came looking for me and pleaded for forgiveness. Since I came in contact with Lord Zakuza, things have changed for good in my life and right now, I am married with two beautiful kids and my home is blessed. All thanks to Lord Zakuza I am forever thankful to you. WhatsApp him on +1 (740) 573-9483. Try him and your life will be blessed.

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  19. THE MAN GOD SENT TO HELP ME IS DR EBOSELE.

    It is said that when someone has done good for you he or she has to be appreciated this is why i am here to appreciate and share a good news about DR EBOSELE for curing me from the Genital Herpes. i have been dealing with HSV1 AND SINCE 2019 until 2021 when i come to contact the God sent man DR EBOSELE who gave 2 weeks treatment and suddenly all the pox on my skin left and am herpes free with the cure from EBOSELE SOLUTIONS . with this great happiness in my heart i wanna ask ya all to join me thank him and if anyone need help to cure any kind of disease or anything prayers kindly contact him today via his details below:
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    cureforherpesnow665.blogspot.com

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